I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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