Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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