he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
