Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
