Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
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Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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