I haven't been this sober since birth.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
