im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
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