Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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