i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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