throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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