Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
