if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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