i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
