Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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