I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
