So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think I won the penis lottery.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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