i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Found your dick twin last night
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
