My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
