Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
