someone threw a dead crab at me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
