You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
