Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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