Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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