Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
