A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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