dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
