1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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