mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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