I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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