She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
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Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
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I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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