As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize