My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
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Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
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I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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