I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
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Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
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I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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