I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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