my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
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