just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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