Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
