i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
