I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
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I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
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I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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