It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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