Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
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He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
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I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
So much rum. So many feels.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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