Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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