He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
