I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
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If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
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I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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