Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i was born a porn star she said
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
