My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
