Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
