my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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