we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
