Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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