highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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