Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
