who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
