I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
