Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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