Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
