How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
