he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
