Already got asked if we're dating
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
